at a friends, moving stuff. a chance to muck about with flash so i've done some. heres a gif upload. hope it works.

stupid people do stupid things. But whatabout when someone who seems intelligent goes about doing the most foolish things...it's a crying shame i suppose but that's the strange situation that i find my self in. i've had a horrendous 06, the first part spent in splendid isolation, faraway from old folk who've brought me unstuck in times past but with the romance of my life so far appearing sometime in june i think, i've acted upon stupidity that is grandiose to say the least...i won't get into details but i'm far worse off in debt, on the done and am missing my special friend who's safely tucked away at some rehab. stupid people do stupid things. by the way, i'm on the run from everything and everyone, posting at libraries and cafes. i'll make up for last years silence.

Monday and it is almost 40 degrees out there, i'm getting that head caving in feeling and i hate it. Why does money have to be such an issue in early recovery? I got a place to sleep, i got all the food i can eat and i'm smoking like the gun that i am, but it's never enough is it? I'm like five minutes from the beach, in a relationship with a beautiful woman whom i totally adore, but it's never enough...i am unravelling a little, the cup feels half empty and there's a lot of time to get negative. It's Christmas time again and new years too, i'm not thinking too much of using but this all feels like an ad for poverty, i am without cash and it is like a bad rash on the balls. Sure, i've gone for a part timer, maybe i'll get it, maybe i won't...arrrrghh! fuck it.

i volunteered to be tea person for this meeting. Yesterday i enquired about some part time work at this shoe retail place down the road, i so don't want to think about career right now, jeez, look what happened last time...so if i get it, i'll be ok, two or three days work is A OK...for now. Nic and i went to visit the kiddies, it was her first meeting with them and everything was stinky (that's good, in Nic blah) err, everything that's going on is very manageable, even though there's a lot of debri that's floating, she and i seem to be able to deal with things, to deal with us. It's just so different from my normal you know?

hot and sultry like, the weather...spent the morning in the arms of you know who and it was all the things that it should've been, i'm right in the danger zone here, she's got these stars that run down the length of her spine and i'm seeing nothing but stars at the moment. Have to be really careful with her, it's like playing with this beautiful fire and if treated with anything but the utmost care, like wild and uncontrollable fire is to play with...well i'm gonna burn baby burn. Still, i'm this stupid ass moth that just gravitates, but things are ultimately a set of decisions, and the decision to love is easy, to take care of it, well thats a decision made on a daily basis i guess. She has enthralled me, shook me, and instilled a fear in me...but in the most beautiful way.

its raining outside and i've been walking around a wet Manly, with gorgeous Nic in tow, the two of us becoming quite inseparable as of late. How long will this last for i wonder? i don't know if i've had so much fun just goofing off with another human being ever. But, with a big picture at hand, and a shitload of baggage unravelling like a slow release supository, we are faced with the reality of a relationship. She has said often that she's shit at relationships, if that's the case then i am the smear on the inside of porcelain...i've had a terrible track record, but somehow, insanely, i believe Nic and I may actually work out better than OK. And this is based on what? We're not sure, but right here, right now, nothings ever made so much sense, cut from the same...and both of us have lives to live outside of us, chapters to finish and stories to tell. Insane, but like gravity, it's a natural force that can't be fought against. So magnetic it makes me sick.

it's been a while i guess, had a stint in rehab and am learning what it means to love and be clean at the same time. about that hardcore desk job, well i fucked it off...im so over work at the moment, I just want to DANCE! Nic has absolutely blown me away and i'm totally overwhelmed at how intense the last month with her has been...teething problems, relapses. Whatever, i'm smitten and i don't care if i am codependent, i want this more than anything at this very moment, scary thing is that this feels...well, it just feels. Love you Nic.