I've been having some funky thoughts about what relapse actually means to me. It's dangerous, i've been told, to pay too much credence to what my head is actually speaking, and to a degree i agree. But i'm sick at the moment i think, and may have been sick for a lot more time than i may have wanted to acknowledge. Sick always, with or without using...maybe since leaving rehab, all my usual preoccupations have been on the side burner for all the wrong reasons, i suspect as much. I don't feel healthy up there at all, and it seems OK at the moment, which is why I have this niggling thing...this festering feeling that i may be going through much more than I care to look at. Denial kicked in i guess, i'd say and try to believe what i wanted to believe, but it always comes oozing out sideways, like second guessing relapses and recovery, and what it means to moi. Time to pull the finger out - why is it even a question of wether i really want it or not? it was once a given, like breathing in meant I would be breathing out again.