I've been having some funky thoughts about what relapse actually means to me. It's dangerous, i've been told, to pay too much credence to what my head is actually speaking, and to a degree i agree. But i'm sick at the moment i think, and may have been sick for a lot more time than i may have wanted to acknowledge. Sick always, with or without using...maybe since leaving rehab, all my usual preoccupations have been on the side burner for all the wrong reasons, i suspect as much. I don't feel healthy up there at all, and it seems OK at the moment, which is why I have this niggling thing...this festering feeling that i may be going through much more than I care to look at. Denial kicked in i guess, i'd say and try to believe what i wanted to believe, but it always comes oozing out sideways, like second guessing relapses and recovery, and what it means to moi. Time to pull the finger out - why is it even a question of wether i really want it or not? it was once a given, like breathing in meant I would be breathing out again.

since i have plenty of time to kill, i'm attempting over the next few days to update the look of this site...yeah, over it already as i knew i would be, so there. Can feel the stress building in my shoulders and i know it's gonna be just one swell ride.

the omen - does this look like someone in need of a future emancipation?
i look into that lopsided stare and i'm back in that little room doing inner child work, with a counseller/psychologist who demands just about everything. She asks me to pretend, to focus on the little pillow, to get there.

it's that time of the TV year, Australian Idol's back, as well as the audition footage. I have to flip through to something else every time i get an inkling that someone is gonna get embarassed. I'm talking scars here that may or may never heal, i truly can't stand it but i can't seem to boycott it altogether.

"you are a bean bag with legs...who can't sing"
- Karl

and that's one of the nicer things i've heard so far.

Had an intense couple of days, shopped like stupid yesterday because of this fear i have...the good news i suppose is that this terminal right here in my bedroom, is now connected to the world wide web. Argued like hell last night about the aesthetics of running a teeny weeny cable from upstairs to the line located in the kitchen, i was stressing that it wasn't such a huge deal but another member of the house was quite opposed to the idea.

This obsession with the obsolete, well it's found a new tangent, another way to collect things that the technologically discernable would scoff at. PS1 - Arguably an investment in something totally useless, i guess i totally missed out or something because in its heyday i refused to own one. Or my partner at the time refused that I own one, whatever, the point is i'm buying stock like a dumb ass, and tonight i'm gonna playstation like it was 1999. Yee haaaar.

"you can't seriously believe that i'm thinking about you man..."
- The Dandy Warhols

Having a day of relative peace, the head's not buzzing with spirals of any kind and it feels as though i've turned some kind of corner...will this really last? i'm sitting with the feelings and it's starting to go away, this pining puppy thing over this rehab girl - Hey man, i knew it was never ever going to happen anyway. I just like to stretch the emotional a little, milk it for all it isn't worth. Funny how sometimes you can dream that one person on this earth could fix everything, and even when you intrinsically know that the person can't, it's the much easier and nicer option to think that they can. Deluded? yeah. Silly to have given that much rent but i guess in it's own maddening way, she kept me scared enough to stay more or less on the straight and narrow path. What now, brown cow?