theres a spring to my step and a song in my head. todays saturday and today is going to be unofficialy this years 'rock day' 05. im firing up the amplifier and tuning the guitar down half a step, pulling out all the unfinished tunes of recent times and opening all the windows. pissing off the neighbours will be a mandatory exercise today, and this is to to be achieved with a sonic pow wow two or three times the volume of your garden variety Victa mower. Hell, i may not even bother tuning, todays all about fun and letting go, an exorcism of sorts, a fuck you and a thank you at the same time. In between messy musical mayhem, respite is never at hand, rock day stops for no one and the hi fi will be loaded with all those records that i would never be caught dead playing, because you have to give thanks somehow, to the KIss's and the Motley's of earlier and hairier years. This year, i have something special waiting left field, the flash in the pan album of all flash in the pan albums. This year we go anal with Matt, Luke and Craig and relive those tantalisingly decadent days of Bros. Yes you read correctly, and if the neighbours behave badly enough, well, i got that shit on Karaoke as well.

When will I be famous...i can't answer that, i can't answer that.

The Dandy Warhols - Ok, if you need a lil shot of arrogance to kick start your healing process, look no further than these guys for something truly medicinal. Here's a few memorable tidbits that got me through the worst.

1. All i want to do is get off, i feel it for a minute like the real thing baby i guess
2. No more sittin around, thinking about your hair...
3. Im thinking blah, blah, blah blah di blah blah blah...you're a trip
4. i guess it's fair if he always pays the rent...
and he doesn't get bitter about sleeping on the couch when i'm there
5. you were gettin older, i was getting wiser not.
6. you cant seriously believe that i'm thinking about you man...

you gotta hear it in the context of the whole song though, and i guess you have to consider your own emotional state as well.

Back in the day, we did the suburban 'two bit punk' thing to death...how'd it get so fucked up? And i haven't thought of those beautiful and wasted days in a while, but i found an old pair of Keppers and it made me smile a little. Do you remember losing you're cool momentarily? no i can't remember shit like that either but i'm sure it happened. Do you remember wanting tats before they were compulsory? and then going overboard when you were old enough and slightly off your head, I crack up when i remember. And everything was possible, we talked so much shit that it hurt, and it never seemed like we were ever going to change, that it would just go on and on and on... and i adored you stupid and unconditionally, and you said you felt the same, we agreed that even though things were bound to change, some things don't necessarily have to.

there are two green bins stationed like sentries down the driveway, standing in their stillness, emptied of their worries and ready to take on more. they've been cleansed, lucky bastards. they watch the grey of the morning and have no thoughts to why they do, they just do and do and do. they have a ritual, an unchanging routine that they can cling to, especially on days as dreary as today. no thoughts on retirement, on wether they have enough super or if they're ever going to really meet the 'right' one, there's no discontent in them, they dont entertain thoughts on how much one can truly repent...

i'm going to get up in a moment, check the mail, then i'm going to kick the shit out of the bins.

im a sentimental fuck yes i know, and right now im looking lovingly at this minidisk player.(MWAH) God i love it, even when Ipods came out and made mp3 that much more portable, i still stuck by my MD walkman and blew off my mates who tried to sell me on the Ipods seemingly numerous and obvious advantages. Sure, there were plenty of good points in their fanatical rhetoric but i had an emotional counter always at hand. Just like every good ex catholic boy should.

On the matter of size, my MD was roughly about half the height, and when told of the size of storage on the Ipod, a ridiculously phenomal figure in terms of how many songs can be kept... it drew only a knowing and arrogant smirk from me...and coyly I began telling them that size was not everything.

The fact that with the Ipod, downloading from any PC was an instantaneous and painless exercise, only brought swift and cutting remarks about what it is that i really hate about this world, which led to a Zen Bhudist like commentary on how nobody seems to appreciate the slow path anymore. Everyones so now, now, now and me, me, me. Guys, separate yourselves from the cess pool for one god damn minute and smell the beautiful roses yeah..

it saves pictures too, well whoopdeefuckindoo...if i want to save pictures i'll use a phone.

But the beauty was (and really my arguement had only one valid saving grace) that the MD records CD quality sound, without compression, which ultimately means that the debate was really between quality vs quantity. i rode off into the sunset, big balls hanging off either side of my pony.

But after all that, i still got myself an MP3 player.

a lyrical insertion - codependent bravado (by the toohard baskets)
i watch her pack her things then go/ i don't say a thing/i'd just fix my hair/i see a taxi arriving at the front and she walks to the door/i just smile like i know her so/its raining and she is staring me down/ with mascara runnin/yeah i know its over just like last time/but this timeshes taken her time/to leave my things behind/im starting to get a feeling i dont like/does she think that ill stand right here and watch her dissapear/ without a trace/No. I dont think so (2x)i'd finally decided to let this go/its too much work/even when you love like we do/ and you i want to remember as you are now/ so strung out on you/god if you only knew/looking like you did a few years ago/ you dont ever change/you never ever change/feeling like i did a few years ago/i dont ever change/ i never change/does she think that ill stand right here and watch her dissapear/ without a trace/No. I dont think so (2x) then fade

not a top ten list but close enough. the albums that i would have buried or burnt with me at the end. the sound track to an extended youth.

it must be said though that this was a gut reaction kinda compilation...and if asked tomorrow, it could be slightly different

Placebo - without you im nothing
The Dandy Warhols - thirteen tales...
Nick Cave - Let love in
Guns N Roses - Appetite for destruction
Stereophonics - Performance and cocktails
Sex Pistols - Never mind the bollocks
The Cure - Disintegration
The Smiths - The Queen is dead
The Beatles - Revolver
Stone Roses - Self titled
White Stripes - Elephant
Depeche Mode - 101
Smashing Pumpkins - Adore
Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - ACME

somewhere north i left all semblance of goodness- i want it back, all the higher feelings of a brutal and sweet honesty rather than the mouse in wheel reluctance of head, to accept the simplest truth. I spin as i run the race of my mindscape and trip more than once, i fall more than once...now i am feeling the nakedness of a babe drawing its first, i thirst for something that is fast becoming the elusive. i lose touch of hope, and suffer implicitly the separation from all that keeps me outside of me. I am too much inside, i feel so keenly the rot of fifteen years of numbness. Clean or not clean? my dirt requires worlds to change, a vacuum of infinite size to suck me dry...

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collecting dust and its ok for now
am numb from the defeat of love
and i will throw you up like you threw me up
and i will self harm as is my karma

and the light seeps in the winter glass
morning virgins i remember feeling that...
before i whored it all on the most reluctant smile
skin was still from believing it all was inside

its so late but i cant seem to get off this pc, tommorow i know i'll be paying for it so i guess in some instances tommorow does know...im planning on having a productive day, even if that means only taking stock of the domestics, cant ever afford to not heed the practical and the most practical thing to be done right now is to get some sleep. a 24 hour plan is what i should be working on, rather than this constant directionless banter with a fantasized readership. something spiritual, something physical, and something mental...yeah, i know i know the basics but its just so menial sometimes that i usually overlook it - blogger wont let me upload images at the moment and im a little concerned

getting funny, speaking to stew on the phone at the moment while trying to do this...pretty poxy effort. and its not the way it looks on my pc so somethings wrong. spent most of this day just pissing away the time, though i caught something quite educational on SBS about journalism in Iran, now ive got some unexpected ammunition if i ever get into a conversation pertaining to that particular subject. who knows really, might just happen, i might even instigate the conversation over dinner tonight. incidentally, im cooking steaks.

its gettin late and this page is looking pretty close to how i want it, so i'm probably going to rest up a bit because it just seems the right thing to do. im going to start up another page, just my writing, not blogging - the more pretentious pursuit of words, i fancy myself as a bit of a writer you see, and so there you go. just about given up on this guitar based expression as i know im never going to be brilliant, im never going to get there with natural talent alone. yeah OK, i can string a pretty nice tune together but so what? anyone can do that...i cant sing for shit so it negates anything that i really want to do with it. Hey man, you cant be the shit at everything, sometimes youre just shit.

Currently listening to 'into my arms' by Nick Cave.

I spent the day mostly in the company of the Ex. Not an Ex, but the Ex if you know what i mean- Almost argued i think, and if we didn't, it was certainly skirting around that familiar territory...she's having problems with people with problems. Currently she's not enjoying things too much and i guess its understandable considering the weight she carries. At the end it was OK, we parted amicably as we do now, in these heady days of my early recovery. Am I in denial here as well? God I really hope not...