blah blah blah...this stupid browser just died and with it went words that will never, ever be repeated again. i can't even remember the basic thread of it. so here i am, feeling an obligation to post for the sake of maintaining some insane and fruitless routine. Everything is pointless right this very moment. i have a webcam - pointless. pointless, pointless, pointless.

something please remind me why??

its the little things.

i was at a fast food outlet today and i felt so guilty because i've watched one too many documentaries over recent times. I stood in line for barely a second before the manager waved me in to an empty register. Big smile, big service and it was like why are you being so nice to me? i hate the fact im so sucked in by the familiarity of your brand. Death merchant. She asks me if i want to go large, yeah why not i thought, im already here so why not go the distance. I picked something local in flavour, one that stood out from the rest because it had the word OZ wrapped about it...she took my cash, and asked me if i got a little change because she was short...i said i didnt and she said that was fine and not to worry, she'd just let me off the thirty cents.

Then the head turned, i knew what this little manager was doing, a little skimming of the register as was the taboo practice in my fast food hey day. i looked for the evidence...no green digits on the read out like its supposed to...she didnt punch in, she was stressing inside hoping she wont forget her additions and subtractions. How much was supposed to balance at the end of this little stolen period. Hmmm. i wanted to say something but then i decided against it, i gave her a knowing wink instead as i took my tray, and i think she thought i was having a go.

eyes open and the hazardous reality is not kept in check- i am totally unmanageable, all because a certain routine has taken hold, and that can only mean its back to the wasted fingers and fading keys. God i am reliving 5am shut downs and that incessant inner voice that says it aint over until its over. plod on troopers... i got soul but im not a soldier. i am severely distracted from my other considerations though, which is perhaps a good thing - a somatic reaction which in the big picture might just be what i need right this very moment---a different escape? I never claimed i was going to sit with my feelings 100 percent of the time, and even solitude, no matter how romantic the notion, come on man....really - does 5 hours of digital flirting count??? i own my part, and im not denying ive totally fallen off this pedestool i had created, im having fun but...so atleast in my book, thats a plus. Screw all the examining of motivations and definitely forget whatever grandiose boundaries i thought i had, for now...i am resplendent in my denial.

spent the best part of the day in the company of a new found friend, who lives half way across the globe in a sweltering Cailfornian city known as San Diego. in one of my previous incarnations, i had lived in the same region, but my memories of the place is somewhat tainted and distorted - from hormonal adolescent descisions that maybe for the most part forgotten. you never know, it may be an issue i'll never have to deal with, well, conciously anyway.In the back of that brain, surely the imprint still haunts, if only as a thin ghostly trail, who knows? i certainly don't care about it like i used to, but then, do i really care about anything like i used to? care is too ambiguous, too airy fairy...i know a terrible intimacy with obsession, is that the same as care in love?...i doubt that very much, and in hindsight i don't know if care was really ever just care given for the desired higher purpose and ideas, it was probably more a biproduct, a fake mechanism in place to help me believe i was actually in love. Just a funny thought and im rambling i know, but thinking of San Diego and my life there, i wish i had a snap shot of what the hell was going on, some evidence that i've changed and matured somewhat...

but the company kept today, silenced the passing of defeated words within, if only momentarily, i was really outside myself and having a bit of fun, which ofcourse is very nice.